Twelve minutes of fun and enthusiasm,
for others that is twelve minutes of 140bpm torture.
I guess the $100 was worth it.
I have every song memorized by heart,
including dynamics,
but there's still something missing.
There's always something missing.
Am I worrying too much?
Am I not trying enough?
Am I trying too hard?
What will it take to make it to All State?
But before I can even worry about All State I need to focus on regionals.
It doesn't help that I really want to do the same for band.
But I don't have help.
I only have a cd,
my Euphonium,
a crappy-ass mouthpiece,
and my sheet music.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm lost and confused,
and I can't play my songs.
Every time I pick up my euphonium
I work on my range,
my scales,
and on to the state exercises.
I don't understand how I'm supposed to break down the music.
I don't understand the directions of the pass-offs.
I don't' understand how to move my fingers accordingly.
Why can't I do this?
I have always taught myself to play instruments,
but the only thing I can't do by myself is play my euphonium.
I need help.
I know what I'm doing wrong.
How can I fix it?
I'm not meant to be in first band this year.
I don't deserve it.
All the second band students can play better than me.
I don't know how to change it.
I need help...
or am I just not trying hard enough.
I don't know.
After an hour of playing I break down in tears.
What am I suppose to do?
I'm lost.
All inspiration has been ripped away.
It hurts.
I try to write a simple song,
but there is still something missing.
It hurts.
I want to play beautifully.
I want to sing beautifully.
There's always something missing.
Am I not trying enough?
Am I trying too hard?
I don't know.
I'm lost.
Will I be prepared?
I don't think I will.
There's always something missing.
I can't hear the passion I once had.
I can't hear how much I love music anymore.
What happened?
Did I try too hard?